After locating the forms for bloods/micro/x-ray/ med 3/ script pads,/referral proformas and extension numbers for the surgery ,I head to the cupboards/couch drawers/sink in the vague hope there is a speculum,swab,MSU pot there if I need it.

In a male partners room, it is a pleasant surprise to find these items.

In one surgery I couldn’t even find the sink!. Thinking I was having one of those days I just couldn’t see what was right under my nose, I searched again and finally went out to ask one of the girls at the desk. It was in the cupboard!!

The advantages of opening all drawers in a room hunting for something is the odd bar of chocolate. In one drawer I found 10 bars Bournville Chocolate!. Also located wine and tomato ketchup!

However more often than not it is the  emergency air freshener,tissues,stress ball and window key I can’t find!!!

That morning I had 2 emergencies/long consultations that meant I called her in at 11.30.

She then said “I’ve been waiting 2 and a half hours”

Despite my apology for running 30 minutes late and pointing out her appointment was at 11 am not 9 am and she had chosen to wait, she was NOT happy.

As she left the room I said that I hoped she wasn’t going to be too late for anything to which she replied.

“Oh no, its a nice sunny day so I might put the washing out and sit in the sun crocheting”

“You should have brought it in with you to do while you were waiting “I replied (in a friendly -not sarcastic tone-Just)

OFQ it transpired that the 1st ankle injury was caused by landing awkwardly jumping off a trampoline .
The 2nd  injury occured after sitting on a train awkwardly resulting in his leg going dead so as he got off the train he twisted it again !!

OE -there was a slight difference between right and left if you scrutinized it carefully and a disproportionate squeal of pain on palpation. 

I sat back in my chair and put on a concerned face (just)

“OK I can’t find anything wrong with your ankles but I’m very concerned about your clumsiness and lack of insight into this”

He left the room, limping.

This follows a chap bringing in his specimen to me directly.While fumbling around in his carrier bag for it he told me it was very fiddly filling up the pot with such a tiny scoop. When it finally emergered it was obviously smeared externally as well as chocabloc inside!

Then a few days ago I found myself totally astounded when after turning around having got the pot out of the drawer the patient had lifted her skirt and was pulling down her knickers about to squat!!!!

“No,no, not now!!”"”  I almost shouted.

 Phew!!!!!! Just in time!

I could write an essay on teachers and probably will at some point on my other blog-As It Is.

Anyway this 9 year old boy and his parents came in as the teacher asked them to see a GP.

This does happen of course when teachers have concerns about behaviour, the possibility of a special need being looked into.

Not this teacher though!

The parents were obviously not impressed by this and nor was I.

“She said he keeps sweeping his hand across is face and scratching his eczema and she finds this very annoying”

The sweeping of his hand across his face is purely a habit, he does it at home, I saw him do it, and it was not pathological.

His eczema had flared up a bit. Both these “habits” were worse at school as the teachers attitude to this was causing him to be more anxious.

I assured his parents I had no concerns with their son and intimated his teacher may wish to visit her GP!

The Sand Boy

Just where you didn’t want to fall!

Speechless-The answer I least expected!

“My chest gets cold”

The Car Phone Warehouse.

Update of stool charts due with annotations?  One for kids, one for the upper class and one for the rest of us.

Jargon vs medical terms

Cloppy Doggy–Clopidogrel

Fly Boggle–Fybogel

Die oxygen–Digoxin

“Fuc-cocksy-whatsit?”  !!!!!!!

Yes its still there and hardly surprising as not only the best mispronounciation but the presentation together with the audience, from a deaf little old lady, brought an added dimension to this one which is why it has been up at number one now for a record of 77 weeks!!  The first number one ever to outlive its author………

I can’t believe there is anyone out there who has not heard about this gem …but for the record in her own words, here is how it came about…GP of NFA..

“I’d told the little old dear several times the name of the tablets I was giving her at ever increasing decibels  and gave up, moving to collect the script from the printer, to show her….

As is the norm she was only my second patient and so far this consultation meant I was now 26 mins,30secs late and still counting..This was due to the 3 mins it took her to creak shakily down the corridor, take off and hang up her coat and settle down ready for her regular mid-morning chat, then there was the usual game.

“Let me try and guess what you are on about before you tell me 3 times that you were on the way to catch the bus to Ethels for tea”

 Fortunately (???)  I was good at this game as it had been one of those things you just had to get on and deal with and I saw her weekly so knew her well.

 This had the added bonus that I also now knew alot about Ethel and Mabel and the “Nosy Old Git ” over the road. His name escapes me but I’m sure if he comes in with anger management issues one of the first words he utters will be “That darned old cow over the road and her little cronies who think I can’t see them looking over here, threatening me with there walking sticks!”

Of course thats “great” in a way because I know when Ethels name comes up on my appointment screen later that morning I need to get some gloves and a couple of my backup team ready and waiting to whip off her clothes and get her onto the couch in less than 30 secs. That was last weeks time and the record  so far. It had almost become part of the Monday morning routine and we almost looked forward to it although with the three of us at it if one of us started giggling invariably one of us ended up in the corridor,laughing so hard that we had tears pouring down our cheeks.

“Ethels Piles Time Again“

Anyway I digress. The long and short of it was that the printer had no scripts in just to add insult to injury so I asked her to get a head start and I would meet her and give her her prescrption in the waiting room.

With a sigh of relief I handed her the prescription which she held up close to inspect and then said at the top of her voice …

“Aagh it was Fuc -cocksy- whatsit you were giving me!”

“She’s just crawled across the kitchen floor, picked up a tick and popped it in her mouth”

OFQ- the “popped it” in her mouth was ACTUALLY ” popped it in and burst it”

Mum went onto say that she had removed most of  the debris and had rinsed out her daughters mouth.

My first thought while I was feeling incredibly nauseous and trying not retch was “How on earth did she manage to rinse out a 9M olds mouth?!”

Of course she wanted to know if she was likely to get Lyme’s disease.

I told her I didn’t think so but I would double check.

Several phone calls later I spoke to the HPA who agreed with me but advised we should wait until Dr “Lyme Disease Expert” returned from his holiday as they had not come across this scenario before.

Lookng forward to their response!